Everything sucks! I'm really seriously barely hanging on!! I hate it! The house is getting sold and people are coming to look at it and I hate it so much!!!! There's already one of those signs out front and every time I have to look at it I feel awful. I keep having thoughts about self-harm and suicide even though I would never ever do that (I'm way too afraid of dying) and it really sucks. I don't want to bother anyone about this and I'd totally be able to deal with it myself, but I can't be productive at all. Every time I try to do something to clean or pack or hell, just try to draw something that makes me happy, I end up feeling awful and losing all my motivation. Yesterday I had to drink 3 cups of coffee to deal with everything. Something about it being warm and caffeinated helps a lot even though I know coffee usually makes people more anxious. It's less about drinking the coffee, more about having it. I usually end up having it sit next to me until I forget about it and it gets cold. I have a cup next to me right now that was basically full (I just took a sip from it) and it's been sitting long enough that it's barely even warm anymore.
This all sucks so much. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it all. I'm glad I have this online diary at least. Being able to write it all out helps a bit, I guess.
